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Friday, November 03, 2017

Our theatres need you! Protecting auditoriums everywhere, West End Producer’s new Theatre Prefects are the guardians and enforcers of good audience behaviour – combating snorers, noisy eaters and latecomers wherever they find them. 

Order your copy of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Going To The Theatre (But Were Too Sloshed To Ask, Dear) from this website and you’ll receive a free exclusive badge (available while stocks last), granting you official status as a Theatre Prefect. Here's WEP himself to tell you more...

My dear,

Thank you so much for your interest in my new little scheme: the Theatre Prefect Programme. 

As you’re no doubt aware, the Theatre Prefect Programme is sadly more essential than ever. Across our beloved West End and beyond, there is a worrying trend of annoying, rude and immature audience members – from the snorers and noisy eaters, to the eighteen-year-old A-level students high on Haribo and Um Bongo, to the horny couples partaking in their own private performance in the front row – who threaten our auditoriums, disrupt our casts, and scare my Jean Valjean teddy. After all, some of the audience have remortgaged their house for a ticket in the stalls, so surely the least they can expect is to enjoy the show in peace?

We’ve all felt the theatre rage that comes with witnessing poor audience behaviour – and now you have the chance to channel those feelings into something positive. Everyone who orders a copy of my new book directly from my lovely publishers Nick Hern Books automatically qualifies for the Programme as they have shown excellent initiative, judgement and taste.

Once you've been received your badge and been officially confirmed as a Theatre Prefect, you may consider yourself my official representative in any auditorium you find yourself in – and empowered accordingly. All venue managers and ushers will give you their full support in carrying out your essential duties.* The actors, the audience, the staff: everyone is relying on you to ensure the evening’s entertainment runs smoothly. So wear your badge with pride, and be sure to encourage others to enrol.

So thank you for your future service. Together, we can Make Theatre Great Again, dear.

With much love, thanks, and Dom-smelling kisses,

West End Producer

(* Disclaimer: West End Producer does not accept any responsibility for any drama, onstage or off, that may occur whilst carrying out your duties as a Theatre Prefect. Please don’t bother trying to sue me: my lawyer is very expensive, dear.)

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  • Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Going to the Theatre (But Were Too Sloshed to Ask, Dear)